Wednesday, September 23, 2009

11:26 dining room

i feel unhappy and frusterated when im not eating, i feel sad and frusterated when i am.
"Plant yourself in the middle of what you love most--the thing within you that is most alive." -- Yael Lachman
whatever is most alive is buried.
im doing this because im supposed to. ive said this before. to live a brighter life, a fuller life, a more connected life. i feel that desire in the pain. but when the pain isnt there i feel no push. i feel nothing. or i choose to feel nothing. i get anxious at the empty time. the empty space ahead of me. the decisions, of what to do with it. this is a very big decision, to put all my being into faith, into the universe, and pray for love to save me.
lying on the wood slats of the deck, staring up at the stars in the dark blue sky...ive done this before too, havnt i? stared at them anyway. feel lost among them. unsure. then suddenly disconnected. wait a minute...time, patience...let time pass. a shooting star, a grinning face. smile through two slow tears. im wary of normalcy. of not being special. all my life growing up i was told im special. now im faced with reality. that to be truly special you have to make yourself special. we are all miracles of creation, but thats not a promise of what we will become. we are. we can become. can i? can i make it? this is it, the buried root hidden under the rotton soil of an eating disorder. i am uncertain of myself and how i will live my life. i am uncertain about life itself. it just seems so strange to me. i feel more comfortable in stories and tales and imagination. there is a life i dream of living that can never be mine. i watched dave today eat a pastry with coffee and though, hm, maybe someday i can do that. and then a wall appeared between him and me, and i realized no, i never will be able to. to live the life of a normal eater. which unfortunately is what i want with all my heart. because food brings me the most pleasure and joy. which is the sadest thing to admit, to hear someone say. that eating food is why they live, and they are lost without it. am i so callous? is there something missing in me so deep? i love my family dearly, but yet i put food ahead of them. it is a sickness, a terrible sickness. but it is a sickness hiding a sickness i believe. i dont just want it to go away, i want to understand it, to push through it. its proving very difficult. unsure. uncertain. a bit of lift to my vision just this second, clarity. ive craved magic all my life. why am i repelling it now? open yourself paradie, to the magic of the universe, the magic of the stars. i dont like living with my guard down, but in this spiritual path that is exactly what i need to do. let go of preconceptions, of anger, of 'coolness'. I fear so much that Aubrey has the disease too. Her obsession with food. It doesnt seem like she eats very much, but whatever she eats is a pleasure to her. a comfort. i feel like there are two contrary natures to this house. on the one hand it is so comforting and eveloping. on the other it is stressful and muffling. i am nurtured and supported, i am coddled and reined. but i cant live without it right now. unless i wanted to live very isolated, more than i am now, and poorly. i can always run away, but the problems will be there waiting for me when i return. i need to assert my independence, though assert might not be the right word, it has always been there waiting for me. i need to take action and maturity of my own will. i am grateful to mum and jerry to house me and provide food. I think i need to graciously accept the former and conciously avoid the latter. i am sick of food. sick of thinking about it. eating it. i just want to be free of it. but i have to work through it. work through the disease, with the help of a higher power and faith and love. act as if. how does one truly go about doing this? i think getting involved helps. i want meetings now. though last night i lept from one to the bosom of my family. a bonfire, a toast to fall. pray. pray pray pray. for guidance. for faith. for love. God. please help me get through this. please help me understand; whatever it is i need to understand. i need to find a new approach to life. (how long it will take to find this approach is what scares me. the disease is one of immediecy, of instant gratification. and patience takes patience to cultivate. hampster in a ball). food has reined my life. i come to believe the reins will always be attached. i am a compulsive eater, i have the disease of compulsive eating. the reins will always be there to tighen and turn me around. i have acknowledged this truth. and from this understanding i am given the freedom to change and to learn. but i am scared. i believe it in my heart.

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