Monday, September 21, 2009

10:57 computer room

Want to be in bed in a few minutes with the light out, but definetly need to jot a few things down tonight.
Abstinent. 1st day of the H.O.W. program. Honesty, "cant remember", Willingness. will track down that middle word ;)
a little tense, pretty awake, but tired. a great meeting tonight, felt totally encompassingly comfortable and in the place of the universe where i should be.
i feel like my brain is not working very well right now.
maybe a bit stunned.
my sponsor is very put together, has her eggs collected, and i am very grateful to her.
Old white hair mentioned tonight having a gratitude list, to say every night. I think i will start doing that, instead of re-reading the daily prayer. that just winds up my mind again, sometimes.
i mention a grateful nod usually here, but i think i need to make it more tradition-al.
right now, i am humbled. i am grateful for humility, it is what got me through tonight. i ran from the kitchen to my bed after my last bite of dinner, curled myself into a ball, like a very young child, hair falling over my face and into my mouth, as i repeated the serenity prayer over and over. until i felt calm, felt the strength of a higher power with me. and then slowly got up and got my pjs on, brushed my teeth in a painful daze. and prepared for tomorrow.
i am grateful for honesty. honesty of the shares tonight. of other people putting themselves out there, giving me the courage to lay open my soul for them.
i am grateful for my little sister, and her love.
i am grateful for my little brother, that i can give him food that i dont want to go to waste, and he will gladly eat it, and i dont have to feel guilty, because he needs it. thin, still growing and a runner. all the best to him ;)
i am grateful for a dry comfortable bed, that will warm up with the strength of my body heat, once i tuck myself in between the cold sheet and comforter.
where is off i go now.
brain still muddled.

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